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When you were home you could have dated someone all four years of high school and you probably only snuck out of the house a few times so the two of you could have a night together.
Now the responsibility has fallen completely on your own shoulders and it’s finally up to you to make some healthy decisions. Thus, you have now reached the second level of the dating-relationship-roller coaster that you will spend you’re entire life trying to figure out- you have now become so much more invested in this newfound “companion” then you ever would have in another relationship.
So which is better? Long-distance love or up-close and personal connections? Either way, they are both very touch and go. When dealing with long distance you have to trust someone completely and constantly prove to them that you’re trustworthy. Of course in any relationship you have to prove trust, but when he/she lives only a block over it’s easier to do that with someone when you can constantly see what they’re doing, or know the people they are hanging around with.
Coming to college is like starting a new chapter of your life. Whether you want to admit it or not, college changes a person. High school is a structured foundation to help prepare you for being out on your own. Even though some might say they never want to go back to high school, it really was the stepping stone to give you the basic discipline to get you through classes you couldn’t stand, fine-tune the art of skipping, and figure out who are friends, acquaintances and potential love interests.
Lindsay Mermell, 18, freshman, attempted to “do the distance.” Her reasoning was simple: “Because I actually thought it would work,” she said after only two months of being four hours away from her boyfriend. “I was so head over heels that I saw some kind of a future together.”
So what changed? “He became very possessive, and much more paranoid; If I went to a party I was expected to call him every fifteen minutes.”
Not to send the wrong idea, there was never any reason in the past for either one of them not to trust each other. The simple fact became that her boyfriend was driven to insanity because he felt there were things going on in her life now that excluded him. Things came down to the decision of either to try and stay together and possibly continue fighting, or break-up and try to salvage some sort of relationship in the future.
“It’s going to be very hard to stay friends,” she said. “He was such a huge part of my life and I changed so much because of him in a good way but I feel I didn’t have the same impact on him so I don’t want to see how he turned out afterwards. I think eventually I’ll be able way down the road I’ll be able to be friends.”
Hence, here’s what awaits the newly single freshman: House parties, no parents, bars open until 2a.m., no parents, co-ed dorms, the choice to go to school, and no parents. This is almost like being a kid locked in Toys R Us over-night with free access to everything they ever dreamed about- and how often did we dream about riding those two bikes and big wheels around the aisles of the store with no one telling us to get off?
Dating in college seems to be a passing fad. It starts off with the chance meeting, maybe a few casual dinners at the dining hall, and constant away message checking on Instant Messenger and constant IM chats.
Eventually, you get to the “movie.” This is when you’ve finally decided it’s time for said prospect to come over to your room and “watch a movie.” Movies relieve the pressure to talk, but allow the possibility of conversation if it arises.
It also leaves the window open for possible hand holding, cuddling or making-out without the thought of someone walking in on you.
After the “movie” date is over and you’re both coming back for me, this is where the relationship starts to bloom and things start getting complicated.
You soon develop this “move-in” complex. He/she is constantly sleeping over; their clothes start to accumulate so much they eventually get their own drawer in your closet.
You start seeing their little personality traits around your room or apartment, as well as their favorite cereal box in your cabinet, and eventually, the toothbrush settles itself next to yours.
And all of this just happened within a month’s time.
Most grown up relationships don’t even move this quickly. When adults in the “real world” begin dating, there may be the occasional over-nighter, but due to schedules for work or their other responsibilities, the idea of moving their personal belongings into your apartment isn’t a thought until things actually become serious.
College students do this at a whim. We take for granted that innocent relationship we used to have as something that only “children” do. But what’s wrong with the innocent, slow, getting-to-know-you process? We look at college as the chance to grow up and for some reason everyone’s racing for the finish line before the graduation date is even settled.
These relationships we’re discovering should be taken one step at a time. This is the only true way we will ever know if they can stand the test of time, and distance. Lauren Ranieri, 22, a graduate of SUNY Cortland now student teaching in the area, met her boyfriend, Roger, two years ago while they both lived in Clark Hall.
Even though neither was looking for a relationship at the time of their meeting due to plans of studying abroad, the instant sparks between them were undeniable and they agreed to see how things worked out step-by-step.
Two years later, Ranieri still says they’re going strong. “I can't say that we have reoccurring problems that last a long time,” she said. “There are times when either one of us will get jealous, myself more than he, but those disputes are quickly resolved when we reach out to the other person and reaffirm our feelings.”
The real triumph for this relationship, and why it is a prime example of two people trying to make it work, is that both parties studied abroad during two different semesters. Instead of a few miles separating the two of them, the Atlantic Ocean floated between them, allowing them only holidays and summer vacation to catch up on the time they had lost.
“Our homes are three hours apart too,” she said. “But I believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder... in moderation. Distance will make or break a relationship, but if it is meant to be, it will be. Distance made me appreciate what I had even more. When it came time to see him for the first time in four months, I was so excited, nervous, and anxious to see how it would go. It makes things that much sweeter when we are both at school living near each other.”
That brings us to the college portion of the relationship test. When the couple has managed to occupy the same area, choices are made on how much time they spend together. In any budding relationship you want to be able to see that person as much as possible without smothering him/her.
But does this get you far too attached too quickly. “I think sleeping over in moderation is beneficial to the relationship,” Ranieri said. “It is one of the greatest feelings to lay down and be held by your sweetheart. Life tends to get so busy that there may not be downtime until bedtime. It's like saying, ‘there's no place I'd rather be right now, no one I'd rather come home to’.”
Everything just has to be balanced. As special as these intimate moments during bedtime can be, there needs to be boundaries. “We will make sure that sleeping over each other's house is not an every night thing because it will lose its special-ness,” she said.
So when do you decide to take the plunge from high school heartbreak to adult-styled dating, just remember: a long distance relationship might not have worked straight from high school, but in some cases, it’s not hopeless. And relationships in college tend to be more on the level you’re aiming for but aren’t flawless either. Sometimes they might take even more work to keep them going.
But when you think something’s worth it, it’s definitely worth the effort.