Masturbation: Staple of American Society

by Corey Hutchinson,, October 1, 2010

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Please prepare yourself for an article riddled with filth, albeit world-class, extremely well-written filth. This is important stuff, people.

Masturbation can be an amazing thing. It can serve as the perfect stall for adolescent boys who just aren't prepared to wait for "when the time is right." It can keep a sexual deviant off the streets and prevent them from acting out on their weird-o impulses. Most importantly, it can and should be held responsible for maintaining the sanities of countless guys, and sometimes girls, that simply aren't getting any. To say that masturbation is important would be like saying Jesus was important: you just gotta say a bit more (I should probably edit that part, as I'm not sure that even a mild form of blasphemy is a good idea for my first article). I'm sure some will scoff at the title of this article and instantly label it as "trash." But masturbation has been scientifically proven to lower the heart rate and relieve stress. Without it, guys who are 6's and 7's on the asshole meter become 9's and 10's. That uptight girl in class who won't let you copy her notes just reported your academic dishonesty to the professor. That guy who just cut you off in traffic that under normal circumstances would receive nothing more than the middle finger just forced you to follow him home so you can slash his tires.

Masturbation has in recent years become a socially acceptable activity, and for good reason. It puts smiles on people's faces, a spring in their step, and even helps you fall asleep faster. But, like any other enjoyable activity, it can be abused.

It starts innocently enough. A simple Google search for "naked ladies" is performed when you're in the 6th grade because Tommy down the street said that you'd like what you'd see. But it progresses quickly. Soon, you're skipping out on the Saturday morning football game at the local town park because you have the house to yourself for a few hours and you've figured out how to clear the internet history. Eventually, you're stowing yourself away in your bedroom every time you get 5 minutes of alone time, pulling your dresser across the room to block your door, which hasn't locked since your parents conveniently removed the lock on it a few months back (they sensed a developing problem). You're claiming the internet file entitled "busty babes" must've been a pop-up, and that the Kleenex shortage that your home is experiencing is the result of nothing more than seasonal allergies. You're blaming your declining grades on a worsening case of ADD, and you're posting signs all over the house that plead for at least one knock before entering.

As an adolescent, I was never shown the path to a healthy masburbatory (new word!) life. I may or may not have experienced every single one of the pitfalls I described in that last paragraph. But that doesn't have to be the case for you.

So whenever you guys get around to becoming parents, just remember to tell your kids that there's nothing wrong with masturbation. Tell them just how important it actually is. Always keep their tissue boxes full in order to avoid disgusting stains, and maybe buy them a laptop so they don't have to use the family computer. And before you become parents, have a conversation with your friends about masturbation. You might be surprised by who the horniest of your friends actually is. Masturbation stories are always hilarious, and you'll learn an extremely important lesson: always, always, fucking knock. It's not that hard.

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